So I know the Ashley Madison debacle has blown over somewhat. The lucky ones have dodged a bullet whilst breathing a sigh of relief. Personal details and dignity intact, tapping away to another secret rendezvous. Others not so lucky. *
We’re on the brink of the silly season, Christmas parties are in full swing with the mistletoe in prime position…
Notorious for a debauched night courtesy of the boss, attracting office antics that would make Sasha Grey blush.
Great fun for all the free and singles but what about the married lot ?
Lets get this straight from the beginning, I’m not judging anyone and I'm certainly not standing on any moral high ground, its got nothing to do with me what people get up to in the stationary cupboard but I do care how life sometimes gets in the way and erodes a happy marriage.
Ditch AsleyMadison.com, have fun with your colleagues but ultimately ‘Screw your Partner this Christmas, not someone else’s and bring the love home !”
It all began in 2001, when Noel Biderman, a successful sports lawyer with an entrepreneurial spirit said he saw that many of his clients were cheating. He also read that a quarter of online daters were not actually single. This obviously sparked his imagination and Ashley Madison.com was born. Now with over 30 million subscribers with nearly half women ( although it’s not totally clear of the exact amount as false accounts have been recorded), turning over £115 million last year this is a business thats not going away.
Not surprisingly I've observed & witnessed similar behaviour amongst peers. When discovering my profession strangers open up and confess their frustrations and admit to playing away. It feels like everyone’s at it. ‘Life begins at Forty’ was phrased to celebrate a new found freedom after having kids… now too often it's ‘Life fucks up at Forty’.
There’s no doubt that at some points life gets a bit tricky, it’s bound to. With busy lives & curve balls thrown in the mix, we all need a taste of escapism now and again. By escaping with your partner, together can help maintain a healthy appetite and much needed excitement between the sheets ( and between the ears).
Unlike Biderman I believe that keeping the love at home and looking after your relationship is key to a happy life … harness your own pleasure and communicate it to your partner… not someone else’s. Unless it’s something all four of you are into and that a different matter completely !
Noel Biderman suggests that "An affair can be their one chance for an escape from their daily responsibilities, to have something that is just for themselves," He goes on to say "However, we most often hear from members that they seek out affairs, not because they don't love their spouse, but because their marriage lacks the intimacy and passion it once had’.
This may be true as lust & longevity takes effort and hard work. You don’t expect a sixpack to last forever without putting in time at the gym, so why would you assume you’ll always be content in the bedroom without working on it ?
We live in a disposable, fast moving, swipe left, swipe right society, bombarded with imagery of generic perfection making it easy to think the grass is greener…. I beg to differ. Green grass takes time, work and endless watering, equal to your own lawn so I suggest you locate the hose and start gardening.
Although I’m in a monogamous relationship of almost twenty years ( we met when I was young ! ) I celebrate the wondrous colours of our sexual spectrum, swingers, polyamory, open marriages or any other way you want to orchestrate your sex life. What ever works for you and your partner/s. Fuck who you want if your partner agrees, respects your decision and it helps facilitate a happy, healthy relationship.
My problem is with deceit, and cashing in on it. If you’re not happy with your own situation, chat to your partner, you never know they may be feeling the same way which will either broaden your relationship or end it. Either way you can walk tall knowing you’ve got nothing to hide and you’ve not screwed anyone over.
It's good fun and no harm having a flirt and I totally understand that everyone makes mistakes, its only human. Hopefully with communication you can get through it and save your relationship. There are cases when an affair has helped couples engage in conversations they’ve never had before… opening their relationships up and allow partners to develop their relationship further …… its a gamble, one for many doesn’t work out and a big risk to take.
Surprisingly Noel admits ”I believe monogamy is worth pursuing and that it's a worthwhile endeavour. However, I'm aware we're not engineered for monogamy and it's actually a minority of us that will be successful with it.”
Although our resolutions are vastly different I actually agree with Bidermans sentiment of “Why ruin a marriage with a long history and possibly family ties just because needs aren't being met in one area?"
Sometimes you’re simply with the wrong person, thats different and I would never suggest staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. But I would concur not enough emphasis and time is invested in this aspect of our lives. There’s nothing more exciting than discovering a new ‘turn on’ and exploring it with someone you love & know in depth. I’m still discovering aspects of my pleasure and I’ve been intimate with the same person for nearly half my life !
Now’s the time to open the discussion, try something new and bring home the love.
Always a Pleasure
- For those who don’t know, AshleyMadison.com is a website set up for men and women who are seeking an affair. The website was recently hacked and members information made public, apparently not on moral grounds but because of the disgraceful policy that members who wish to end their subscription have to pay a fee to delete all personal information from the websites records.