#Tiedupintalk, 'The Dynamics of the Dom/sub relationship' was our latest discussion. Up until recently the subject of the Dom/sub relationship has been somewhat of a taboo subject. For those not in the scene the lifestyle is shrouded in mystery..up until of course 50 Shades. As we all know the book is fictitious, characters and events being equally quixotic.
I asked the question 'Minus the millionaire and virgin scenario, has Fifty Shades given a true representation of a Dom/sub relationship?', As you can imagine this caused a stir from the real life community. So much so that during our discussion I was offered a true insight into the relationship of a sub and her Dom.
I would like to thank the generosity of Gala for taking the time to write her thoughts and share with us intimate details of how her lifestyle choice has saved her.
Before I leave you with 'Heel' by Gala, I'd like to thank Sex Educator and professional lifestyle Dominatrix @TheLadyNess. During our #tiedupintalk conversation she answered a multitude of questions surrounding her work, the lifestyle and relationships between Dom and sub. I learnt that the role of Dom comes a responsibility of protector not only in the physical sense but more so emotionally. This is a subject that I will come back to in #tiedupintalk as it's only been touched upon.
I’d never bowed down, nor listened to anyone bark orders in my life. The fact that with him it raised my eyebrow and instinctually caused me to lower my gaze spoke volumes to me.
Early on in the relationship with my husband I heard this phrase a lot. I’m domineering and can go toe to toe with any man in a suit board room in my day to day life so being made to be silent, not be in control and allow my husband to hold dominion over me was a mental transition. I could not stand naked before him, I was embarrassed of my sexuality, I was in short a scared lamb and the world was devouring me whole.
He saved my life.
What many find interesting and in some cases troubling, is that my husband is in fact also my Dom. As such I think it’s important to first tell you what a Dom/sub relationship is and is not.
People often think of women that identify as subs, submissives, or even women like me who recognise their role as slave, as being weak and manipulated. Taken advantage of by some big brute that just wants to boss them around. They imagine Dominant men, or Masters, as predators, domineering and uncaring. Men that tower over their women and take advantage sexually and mentally of their partners. These are two sets of assumptions that couldn’t be more far from the truth.
As submissive woman, I am not a absent minded creature that has no will of her own. I choose to give my will, my heart and the development of my being to my Master. As submissives our Masters by their very nature are teachers, nurturers and confidants. They attend to our development from the very foundation of who we are as women on through our sexual and emotional health. They challenge us, teach us, encourage us and at times reprimand us. Infractions can be a poor attitude, cheeky responses, poor self image and incomplete tasks that we are assigned. They know us better than we know ourselves and they pull out those things that need fixing and showcase all that we are capable of. They covet us and they would never intentionally harm or push our limits before they thought we were ready.
Our Dominants remove the constraints of everyday life, allow us to be the raw feminine creatures that we are and through that it allows us to exist in a space where we do not have the pressures of mundane everyday life. We’re free from decision making, free from worry, and free from fear.
For me as a submissive woman, and I am sure most others, I know I am held in both my Dom’s hands and heart no differently than he would hold the most precious of flowers. Preserving my beauty, placing me in a place of reverence and ensuring no harm comes to me. So, as much as there are lessons of obedience, sexual submission, attention to dress and personal presentation, and acts of servitude, I never go a moment of my life not knowing that I am adored and that he worships the ground I walk on.
That’s why books like 50 Shades of Grey concern me.
It paints a controlling, narcissistic, unloving and dangerous relationship where a young girl is manipulated, and treated like the latest accessory. Via her emotionally unstable “Dom” she is devalued down to her only worth being in her genitals, or in the case of the book her “inner goddess.” While in most D/s relationships we are also taught to focus on our sexual core, the book lacks respect for basic principles and codes of conduct. Without thought, it has been mass marketed to droves of unsuspecting sexually repressed women who now have no idea what a proper Dominant is. Putting aside the resulting wonderful expansion of their sexual horizons, as a result they have become interested in some very unsafe practices both emotionally and sexually as it pertains to dominance and submission.
That same book has also opened the world to the predators that many often perceive a Dom to be. Online personals on Craig’s List and adult websites abound for men claiming to be “A Dom looking for a submissive” Perversion and misogyny litter the descriptions and things in a site unseen ad they are putting out there for women to hopefully respond to. Women who are only just enlightened can’t see what it actually is.
While I may talk at length about the development and committed side of this, there are infact those that engage in the lifestyle purely for the sexual acts of submission, pain and domination. Sadly, I have found many of the women that participate in that side of the spectrum often end up wounded by their Dominants who are not committed to them. That word, commitment, for those of us that truly live as submissive is key. We are in fact women at the end of the day that need to be cared for, feel secure and be of service to our lovers. A true Dominant recognizes this.
We devote our lives to our Dominant, our Master if you will, because we know he is equally devoted to us. There is love and intimacy that we find in our relationships that few people experience in their lifetimes. We are executives, mothers, your yoga instructor, your hair stylist, the coffee shop girl, that woman you sit next to on the train who lowers her head as you pass by and we are in truth some of the most fiercely feminist women you will ever encounter. Our Dominants have stood between us and the world to foster that fire in us and we remember and take this with us each day.
In my life as a submissive through the lessons I have learned, I cherish many moments that are sexual and non sexual with my Master.
I remember the first time I kissed him, and the way his cologne permeated my senses and the spearmint of his gum.
I remember the first time we made love and the thrill of watching him over me as he taught me.
I remember the look of wonder and bemusement on his face when he bought and then put my collar on me. Then, the following morning when I got up very early and put my collar on and climbed on top of him in bed. The smile on his face as he pretended to sleep.
I remember that when I saw tears in his eyes for the first time, it was the moment I could love no other man for the rest of my life.
In this moment as I write this, I remember how there will be no man after he passes from this world. How one kiss from his lips, the sting of his hand and the life he breathed back into my soul is all I need to be sustained until my last day.
So submission as a woman, when in the proper context between two people that are either committed or have a great love and respect from one another, is so much more that a series of rote acts, “inner goddess” twirling, and pain. It is a union of souls.
To those not yet there yet or those purely in it for the kink and debauchery, you’re missing out.
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